What's in your cup?

Sometimes we become thirsty but the drink that we end up getting from God is not the drink we thought we would get. What’s in your cup?  Only God knows. God has prepared a drink for you with a cup prepared especially just for you.  That cup that has been prepared for you has everything to do with what you will suffer for in this life for Christ to rule and reign in his kingdom both now and in eternity.

One of the most fascinating stories in the bible illustrates this story from a request for both her two sons. 

Think about this for a moment.  Her two sons weren’t even chosen disciples.    However, Jesus didn’t rebuke her for asking but instead allows her question and his answers to be put in the bible so we can learn several things.

Lets read the scriptures first from Matthew 20: 20-23

20Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him.

21“What is it you want?” he asked.

She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”

22“You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink THE cup I am going to drink?”

“We can,” they answered.

23Jesus said to them, “You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.”

1.    Jesus lets them know that they don’t understand the magnitude of their request. Sometimes we ask God for things but don’t really understand what it will cost us to get it.

2.    Jesus wants us all to know that our cup of suffering now has everything to do with our eternal positioning in the kingdom of God.

3.    Jesus ask her could they drink THE cup but then goes on to let them know  that they would indeed drink FROM that cup.

4.    And lastly, he lets them know that our heavenly father has the final say in the positioning in the kingdom of heaven.

God wants us to settle in our hearts that we will suffer to reign with him in this earth and in eternity, if we are willing to drink from that same cup.  Just like Christ asked in the garden of Gethsemane for that cup to pass from him, he totally understands the pain and suffering of the trials and tribulation, peril and persecution knowing that he drank THE entire cup.  We need to resolve in our hearts that because he overcame all these things that we too can overcome as well.  We cant reign if we aren’t willing to suffer for Christ. We must drink the whole cup that he has prepared for each of us.

The Fingerprints of God

Before we were created and knit in our mother’s womb, the bible says God knew us (Jeremiah 1:5).  Every hair on our head is numbered. This doesn’t mean he just knows how many we have, God knows exactly what strand of hair is lost and every detail is recorded.  One of the greatest ways God has built my self-esteem is by how he has nurtured, forgave and  loved me.  The bible says freely we have received and freely we should give.  This doesn’t just mean money. 

As a young girl by the time I was 12, I didn’t feel special at all.  I was born on the 13th of June, and my “golden birthday” was fast approaching.  I made the grave mistake that so many do; I began to compare myself with others to even lessen my value and self-esteem.  To me I was just another long haired, light skinned, brown eyed girl just like all the rest.  At this point in my life, I remember asking myself one day,  if my mother who had four children couldn’t love me, how could God and he had so many children in the world?

Perhaps you have asked yourself a similar question, that has questioned your value, your uniqueness and what makes you-you?  God said we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). 

Every fingerprint is different. 

What was on the mind of God when he created you? The father wants us to know that he knows our thoughts a far off (Psalm 139:2).  His thoughts towards us are more than the sand on the sea (Psalm 139:17-18).  What passions of Christ did the creator breathe inside of you when you became a living soul?  When God began to reveal himself to me at 17, the first thing he did was continuously went out his way. He consistently let me know how special I was too him and how much he knew, loved and thought of me.  I would get continuos prophetic ministry which began to unlock my heart and God began to affirm, confirm and reveal his plans for my life.

One of the ten commandments is we shall not place any graven image on God, (Exodus 20:4). The father was coming after those graven images. Unknowingly as a child, I now viewed God through the lens of how I had been handled and this distorted my interactions with my ability to receive God’s love for me.   Who has mishandled you and caused you to question your value? As children and sometimes as adults, we often without even knowing, begin to ascribe  attributes of others on God because of the way we have been handled.

Whose fingerprints have been left on you?

 Sometimes we can’t hear the cry of our own children and our spouses because the child is us is still screaming.  God desires to heal you from these graven images from your childhood and adulthood. He wants to remove the fingerprints from others so he can leave his fingerprints on you. 

Guarding God's Perspective

Let’s exam another man’s life that understood the guarding God’s perspective during adversity.  Let’s peek into the life of Joseph. When he shared his dream with his brothers, they hated him even more (Genesis 37:8 )“They asked these questions when they heard his dream: “Are you indeed to reign over us? Or are you indeed to rule over us?” So, they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.” Not even his father understood Joseph’s dream and he rebuked him for it.  There will be times in your life that when God reveals his dream to you for you that there will be those around you that will not understand.

Joseph’s dream set him apart from his family. Your dream will set you apart.  You must understand to fulfill that dream, you will have to learn to guard God’s perspective prophetically to see it come to pass.

Shortly after he shared his dreams, Joseph’s whole life was never the same.  His brothers not only sold him into slavery, but they were also going to kill him.  He went from being his father’s favorite son to a slave. Joseph was forsaken by his family, betrayed by his master’s wife, and forgotten by the chief butler while in prison. 

He was suffering. Life didn’t seem fair. It even felt like God himself had forsaken, betrayed, and forgotten him. 

The bible doesn’t tell us the nights Joseph wept before the Lord. 

It doesn’t tell us how many nights he asked to see his father face one more time.

It doesn’t tell us how many times he wished he could have given up and died.

 But I’m convinced because God gave him a dream; it kept him alive. If you are experiencing things in your life and you have not done anything to deserve the suffering, maybe you are asking God, why you?  God is asking you, why not you.  We are not greater than our Lord.  It pleased the father to bruise Jesus. Do we not think we will not be bruised as well?

 How many of us would have never done anything for them after what they did? For him to fulfill his dream, he had to guard his “why”.  I’m convinced that God didn’t bring Joseph out until he could look down and see that he learned to see it from his perspective. This was Joseph’s response after revealing himself to his brothers: “Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life. Genesis 45

7 And God sent me before you to preserve your posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance.

8 So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God: and he hath made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of his entire house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt.

What happened to you and what is God’s perspective in your adversity?

God will make the difference

How many of us have gifts, talents, and ideas everyday?  Yet, we never pursue them because we underestimate our own value and significance. I’m reminded of a story in the bible when the people in the bible that had followed Jesus listening to him preach became hungry.  Are you hungry? Are there people around you hungry?  Maybe not for natural food but for what God has placed on the inside of you. 

In John 6: 1-4 it reads 8 Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, 9 “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?” Listen to what the disciple asked. In other words, how is that enough to feed the crowds. That is not enough.  How do you perceive what God has given you?

God made up the difference when Jesus offered it up, broke it, blessed and gave it.  God wants you to offer yourself and what he has given you up to him.  He has taken you through a process and when he is finished, he is going to give you to feed the multitudes.  You must not allow your own opinion of yourself to limit what God wants to do through your life. Get ready to be given to the multitudes!

You Matter

“You Matter” were the two words that resonated from the mouth of Iyanla Vanzant on her spotlight moment on Oprah’s SuperSoul.TV show.  Her message at times was silently told through the painful childhood scars that were left on her that now are boldly declared that were never hers but her grandmothers.  Her first message told was defined by lines that were drawn on a farmland that her grandmother was never supposed to cross.

 Unfortunately, at nine, her grandmother crossed them and was raped by the sharecropper’s son.  Her father then beat her and was more worried about him losing his job than her rape.  What was the message that was communicated to her grandmother that day that was passed down to her?

It was that she didn’t matter.    

My message is the same as Iyanla’s, “you matter,” Don’t take on other people’s scars and wounds.  I too, had to learn this lesson.  I had to face the same questions; I’m asking you.  What were the lines that were drawn in the sands for you from your generations?  What were you raped of and what has life beaten you for that you have carried and passed down to your generations?

“You Matter” is what you need to remember.  For you to heal, you must be able to identify the source of those pains so that they can be dealt with so healing can come.  My mother had four children and by the time I was nine years old, I believed that my mother didn’t love me because she never wanted four children.  I was that fourth child. But that wound was even deeper because I began to believe that if my mother that had four children couldn’t love me, how could God because He had so many children in the world. This was the question of my heart as a child.

 I didn’t feel like I mattered to my mother and that was the root of rejection that would define the lines in the sand of my life.  The enemy never thought I would get pass those lines. Make up in your mind that you will allow God to help you cross those lines in the sands of life and help someone else over to the other side by reminding them they matter, “you matter.”

One way

I was driving full speed ahead in the wrong direction up a ONE WAY!  Distracted and laughing on my cell phone and I had missed my chance to enter the ramp and I turned back around and decided I would take a short cut.  I still was not paying attention.  There I was in my truck with my mother and I was heading up a ONE WAY that was an exit ramp to come down on the 79th sky way, several years ago. I had almost made it to the top before realizing I was going the wrong way.  God gave me the time I needed to back up, do a U-turn and safely get back in the flow of traffic.

 It should have been obvious to me-right?  Have you ever realized in life you were really headed the wrong direction; yet you were convinced you were right?  However, not realizing this decision was so bad that it would affect everyone involved.   Have you ever gotten involved in an adulterous affair, and believed the lie that he/she was separated so you had a right to them? 

No matter what lie you have believed God loves you enough to protect you even when you are vulnerable and living in deception going the wrong way.  He will give you hope and set you free from deception, lies and belief systems you have built your life on.  If you seek him and earnestly ask him to reveal the truth to you, in Jesus name, he will.  The bible says there is a way that seems right unto a man but the end thereof is death.  Or perhaps you have grown up to believe that there is more than one way to get to God? Or that Allah is God.  You have been deceived because Jesus is the one way to God. 

I want to encourage you if you have loved ones that are going the wrong way.  Just like God sent the angels to protect me that day from being killed and killing others because I was driving the wrong way, he is able to deliver your loved ones.  I often think about who called off of work that day.  Who decided to take a different route that afternoon?  Who forgot their keys and had to go back home? What did God have to do with the angels to intervene to make sure that no car came down that ramp that day to save me and my mother. God wants you to know that even if you are going the wrong way, all is not lost. Repent and be reconciled back to God today and he will save you.  

The ledge of faith

Sometimes in life it will feel as though you are standing on a ledge and the task before you is impossible.   God is calling us to be like Nehemiah that stepped out on the ledge of faith and rebuilt the walls.  There are those of us that are called to guard and to build.  We must seek God for direction so we can begin to discover our passions.  What makes you cry? What is it that bothers you that the enemy has tried to tell you, you are too insignificant to make a difference?

The walls of Jerusalem had been broken down and the gates had been burned for years.   Nehemiah was grieved so much so he fasted and prayed and wept because of all the ruin in the nation.  To some he was nothing more than a cupbearer.  But he was a cupbearer with a burden from God that had been strategically positioned to serve the King and Queen.  Don’t look at your situation or job as menial.  You are positioned for a divine purpose and it’s not just so you can serve someone else. It’s so you can change a situation. Its so you change history.

Nehemiah stepped out on the ledge of faith and he beseeched God first by repenting for the sins of Israel and how they had not kept the commandments of Moses and how God told them he would scatter them if they did not obey him.  However, he made intercession and reminded God that if they would return and keep his commandments that he promised to gather them and bring them to the place that God had chosen.  Nehemiah reminded God of his word and that they were his people.

God wants you to remind him of his promises he has made you and your family in this season.  If you will stand in the gap and partner with God and begin to build spiritually the things that have been destroyed in your family for years, God will begin to restore the waste places and the breaches. 

Nehemiah was granted favor and given all the materials he needed and had the support of the families and his followers. God will send you the divine help and support you need as you begin to bring him the ashes.   He rebuilt the walls and the gates with support within fifty two days.  This was Gods appointed time and what had been destroyed for years God restored in days! 

God wants you to know what you think has been lost forever in your bloodline, he wants to restore it again.

All is not lost!

 You must get past the voices in your own head and the voices of the enemy like Nehemiah did.  When the enemies heard what he was doing, they began to mock him and came up against them with great indignation and asked these questions among themselves: “What do these feeble Jews? Will they fortify themselves? Will they sacrifice? Will they make an end in a day? Will they revive the stones out of the heaps of the rubbish which are burned? They were offended by Nehemiah’s work.

 Don’t stop building what God said. Mute the noise. It is none of their business. Others will be offended when you arise to carry the burden the Lord has given you.  You will be challenged.  You will be mocked.  You will be threatened.  But you must remain focused, and you must finish.

No matter how impossible the task may seem, remember that if God did it then, then he can do it again.  In 2 Cor 4:18 it says While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. 

I can imagine the adversaries that think what I’m doing is foolishness. Perhaps saying how does she think she is going to convert any Muslim from Islam? How is she going to help lead people into their promise land and turn their hearts back to the true and living God?    Perhaps the enemy is taunting you and saying , how do you think you can ever recover from this bankruptcy, or ever rebuild your business or marriage and be restored? How can you help others heal in their marriage when yours didn’t survive?

God was with Nehemiah and the people that supported his cause and God is with you and your family.  He is going to deliver his people and restore the walls and gates that have been torn down from generations and left in ruins.  He is going to give us beauty for our ashes and cause us to do what the enemy said could never be done. He is going to do it quicker than we thought he would. Keep building and warring with the promises of God.  The walls and gates are being restored generationally.  God is not done with you yet.

Against all odds

My childhood dream was to be a jockey!  I had the height, the weight but even more than those, I had the heart!  It took guts and grit to be Sonny Leon riding on May 7, 2022 as he mounted Rich Strike.  He wasn’t even supposed to be in the race.  No one saw him coming. Even his owners didn’t get the call until minutes before another horse scratched.  He was prepared.  He showed up without a spot against all odds.  He was positioned and trained and getting ready to run his race!

God has saved you a spot.  No one is going to even see you coming.  I like to see myself has this beautiful horse that won the Kentucky Derby last year.  He had incredible odds against him. The odds were 250-1 according to the Fox sports Australia. He was a longshot.  He had 30 seconds to register before the deadline. As Strike Rich headed out the stall, he was sitting 17th with 40 seconds left in the race.

I believe God is getting ready to release not just me, but others like me. Your training wasn’t in vain.  Esther, your season of beautification is coming to an end.  Your King is about to be crowned.  You are his crown.  Don’t give up.  You’re going to get your shot. What God has for you no one else can take your place.  Your blessings have been on reserve. Get ready to run!!! All things are ready now.

Proverbs 12:4 – A virtuous wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.

Dear June

It was on August 31, 2017 I heard you crying but you and I know this wasn’t our first encounter.  I could hear you loud and clear in my spirit.  Your cry was, Remember me.  I was on my way to drive and train a provider on some software he was struggling to document.  I headed out with my worship music on.  I wasn’t heavy about anything. 

Your cry to me was disturbing because I began to immediately weep.  How could I ever forget you?  See just like God said Abel’s blood was crying out from the ground in Gen 4:10. So was yours.

The Lord knew this.  I finished my book in September 2016 but did not release it until June 2020 on my birthday. My letter that prefaces my book under special thanks to you, reads as such!

To my unborn baby, you are not in the pictures with the other four everyone can see: you live in heaven’s nursery.  But you are forever carried in my heart and counted. I can’t wait to hold you and raise you in heaven! One of my greatest restoration gifts will be to raise you in heaven with your father.  Your childhood will be perfect! I recently learned that God doesn’t even take away the privilege of us naming you, if we both make it to heaven.  I found out that we are encouraged to name you, even if we don’t know your gender.  Together, we finally named you in December 2015. I would like to thank you for forgiving me, your father, and all those who were involved, the doctor, the nurse, and your grandmother. I love you more than words can ever express.  I found Jesus in my brokenness because I lost you.  Your blood still has a voice in my life that cries for restoration, forgiveness, mercy, and grace.  I love you.

See, what others don’t know was I never knew your grandmother’s name until that December 2015.  Your dad would often get extremely quite as he grieved her every December.  I had been asking him for almost seven years to name you.  See, I believe you are a girl.  I asked him what his mother’s name was.  He said, June.  I asked June what? He said June Estelle.  I immediately asked him, could we name you after his mother.  He was just as delighted but neither of us could believe it took that long to do it.  I then went on to ask when was her birthday.  I did know it was in June but wasn’t sure of the exact date.  See, your due date was June 19 and her birthday was June 21.  Never would I have imagined God would have given me another daughter.  I had long given up on having another child.  I wasn’t even married.

I was almost 45 years old, and your dad was much older. I had no idea he was slowly dying.  He didn’t share it with me.  We weren’t in a relationship anymore, but I didn’t want to add to my body count.  All hell had broken out in my home with your brothers, and I didn’t even want to go home anymore.  I couldn’t believe I was pregnant in July 2016.  It was just 7 months after naming you.  I took a blood test at 12 weeks pregnant with your sister.  They wanted to make sure she wasn’t deformed.  I found out she was a girl. 

Nobody, and I mean nobody, could have told me I would have another chance at having a daughter.  Your sister was barely hanging on.  I wasn’t regularly engaging sexually so I wasn’t on birth control. I actually took a Plan B pill afterwards. I cried out to God and repented after I found out I was actually pregnant. My gynecologist insisted I should abort.  I knew I would never abort again.  It broke me when I aborted you.  All the years I labored and travailed for Ruth’s vineyard to be birthed to save other babies from abortion.  She sent me three weeks in a row to test my HCG numbers.  They were significantly low.  She told me the baby would not be normal.   I went one last time to get a blood test and my numbers shot up to the normal count. 

I was having a baby.  He didn’t want any more children.  Your dad completely shut down on me for the third time now.  How could I find myself in this same place again, I asked myself.

It took him until I was 7 months pregnant before God turned his heart.  God knows if we hadn’t named you after your grandmother just 7 months prior than that would have been your sisters name.  This is one more reason why I believe with all my heart, you were my first girl.  God gave me a second chance.  He told me that Laialh was my second chance. It took me having a girl to raise back up in my spirit.  I wanted something different for the women in my bloodline.  I never again allowed myself to be dishonored myself with him after your sister was born. He was thinking about turning back.  He kept saying he didn’t believe she would remember him.  I cried out to God and asked him to please tell him that I was going on with or without him.

 The next day he came and asked me to sit down and he said I had a dream.  I said ok. He said in the dream, you let me know that you and I were done.  I said, I have been telling you that and I asked God to tell you.  He said, God also showed me that your heart was open to with be the one God would send you.  See, I never went back. Although he came almost every day to help me with her.  I don’t know why God let me hear you but perhaps the Lord wanted me to make sure I didn’t go back with him. So, when on August 31, 2017, I heard you weeping and crying to me, Remember me:  I was broken. 

See I had already read the books on Heaven that let me know that the aborted babies wait for their parents. You wanted your dad to make it home and I needed to make sure I wasn’t in the way. I wanted the same thing and your cry was the encounter that reassured me I had made the right decision. We spent our last day with him on 1/21/2019 including Jeremy.  And God remembered you and brought him home to you on September 15, 2019.  I dream about how your dad tells you all about me and how much you mean to me. God is going to avenge your blood and I am going to be working on Ruth’s Vineyard soon.  I love you so much. You are never forgotten in my life.

until the day we meet in heaven and I get to raise you,

Forever your mommy

Get Back up!

We all loved Muhammad-Ali for so many different reasons as we remember and celebrate his legacy this month of his passing on June 3, 2016. He was famous for being able to not only win his matches but to what some would call to prophetically declare what round he would knock his opponents out. One of the most famous fights he is known for this was the fight between him and Sonny Liston.

He began taunting and provoking Liston almost immediately after the two agreed to fight. He purchased a bus and had it emblazoned with the words “Liston Must Go in Eight.” On the day of the contract signing, he drove it to Liston’s home in Denver, waking the champion (with the press in tow) at 3:00 a.m. shouting, “Come on out of there. I’m gonna whip you now.” Liston had just moved into a white neighborhood and was furious at the attention this caused. Clay took to driving his entourage in the bus to the site in Surfside, Florida where Liston (nicknamed the “Big Bear”) was training, and repeatedly called Liston the “big, ugly bear”. Liston grew increasingly irritated as the motor-mouthed Clay continued hurling insults (“After the fight, I’m gonna build myself a pretty home and use him as a bearskin rug. Liston even smells like a bear. I’m gonna give him to the local zoo after I whip him.”

What bold moves! Not only did Muhammad-Ali say it but he did it.  Just like our enemy, Satan, he has watched you, saw your past victories and past mistakes;  and taunts you like Muhammad-Ali did Sonny Liston and at times has knocked you out.  But God…wants you to get back up!  You are not defeated just because you got knocked down!  Get back up!  It doesn’t matter how many lies he taunts you with.  You are not worthy.  You will never be forgiven.  You messed up too many times.  It’s too late.

Muhammad-Ali called him the big ugly bear. The enemy wants to make you believe you are not what God has called you.   He wants to distort your image of yourself and make you begin to believe those lies so that he can defeat you first mentally.  Muhammad-Ali knew that if he could get in his opponents’ head, he had already won the fight.   Repent and turn away from your sins and get back up!  You are beautiful.  You are the redeemed of the Lord.  You belong to God.

So many in the body of Christ are allowing the enemy to knock them out of the fight because they don’t know how to get back up and recover from a fall.

The word says in Proverbs 24:16

16 For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again. God has a prophetic word for you today. Regardless, if you have been knocked down, it is not too late for you to redeem your title.  You win because he won! Get back up!  You are still the Champ because of his victory!

Romans 8:37King James Version (KJV)

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

“Give me [fill in the blank], or else I will die.”

Genesis 30:1–2, which says: “And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die. And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?”

Jacob was understandably upset with Rachel. The last sentence in the text explains why: “Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?” I can hear Jacob now. He was saying: “I am not God, Rachel! It’s wrong for you to put that kind of pressure on me. God is in control of your life, and He’s the only person who can open your womb!” Rachel wanted Jacob to give her a child, and I wanted my husband to heal my childhood wounds.

What about you, reader? How many times have you wanted to give up because someone wasn’t there for you? Maybe you’ve invested in your son, daughter, or marriage, but it feels like you’ve sown into a barren land. Remember, Jacob labored fourteen years for Rachel and didn’t give up on marrying her (Genesis 29–30). Even after he worked for seven years to pay off his debt to marry her, she wanted to die because she couldn’t have a baby. She couldn’t have what she wanted most, so nothing else was good enough for her. Not even her husband!

You may get to the point where you find yourself saying what Rachel said, “Give me [fill in the blank], or else I will die.” If you find yourself saying something like that, then I want you to know what I discovered at that point. It is that God wants you to know you are not going to die, just like I didn’t die because I couldn’t get from my husband what I so desperately wanted. The Bible says God finally remembered Rachel and that she conceived a son and named him Joseph (Gen. 30:23–24).

Actually, God never had forgotten Rachel. He allowed the adversity in her life for the same reasons I believe He uses it in our lives: to make us dependent on Him, to correct us, to build our character, and more. Whatever the reason may be in your life, God is going to remember your time of affliction and give you your heart’s desire if you trust and believe in Him.

Get ready. Your tears have not been in vain. God is about to remember you, as He did Rachel and me. As imperfect as it was, my marriage was becoming more about God’s unconditional love and forgiveness for the two of us as a picture of perfection. The lessons God taught me then still govern my life today. Namely, God’s love can and did heal the deep wounds of my childhood.

The scars were still there, but the sting of rejection, self-pity, anger, and all the other traps the enemy set for me while I was growing up were being healed as I allowed God to heal. The father wants our self worth to come from him and not man so that if your spouse ever leaves, you will not lose you too in that process. Allow God to fill in the blank and receive what you need.

Keep going

As a young child, I can remember when we heard our name called in school, we were instructed to say, present.  God is taking attendance in this hour and he is looking to see if we are in our positions.  Are you AWOL, absent without leave?  Have you abandoned your post spiritually and perhaps even naturally?  Sometimes we can be present physically but we have checked out in other ways.  We must return to our first love that is Christ and start over again and sometimes all it takes to start over is just to be present. However, sometimes life can throw you a curve ball and cause you to become so broken that being present becomes the miracle.

On January 26, 2020, the world was shaken not by Coronavirus but by the sudden and extremely tragic death of legendary NBA player Kobie Bryant and not just him but his daughter and several others.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way and while the world was grieving him and his daughter, his wife and children would have to find the strength to live on without them both. In an interview with People magazine, it tells how the world was mourning, Vanesa still had to stay present for her other three daughters.

 I can only imagine the weights not only on her shoulders but her heart.  It wasn’t just about her loss, but she had to now be able to comfort them while she also was grieving. The work that Kobie had already started would suffer and all of those that depended on it if she was not able to keep it together and be present.  The article shares how she was able to take charge of his unfinished projects at Granity Studios and how she relaunched his non-for profit Mamba and Mambacita Sports Foundation, as a tribute to both Kobie and her daughter.  This organization will help empower young girls and other underserved athletes which was one of his greatest visions.  People magazine states. “All the while, Vanessa showed breathe taking resilience and grace as she navigated heartache while staying present for her daughters.” I believe this has been one of her biggest challenges.

I have lost both my children’s fathers to rare forms of cancer. I can only imagine her grief because her youngest two daughters are very small. Although, her loved ones were not sick, they were abruptly lost in a moment without warning.  I still understand and can empathize with her pain.  I remember a day in my life that the weights and cares of this world I was carrying were so great, I didn’t think I was going to make it.  It was so difficult for me just to get up because of depression.  I was struggling as a single mom.  When my husband walked out and left me with my three sons, the youngest was 9 months old. I was a wreck and yet was required to stay present because they were depending on me. After just 3 years of our divorce, he died of a rare form of cancer. I had to keep going.  You must keep going. Others are depending on you.

And when my daughter lost her father a few years ago at two, she was consistently asking for him. It is a place that you must trust God to heal you and them so that the other things in your life don’t fall by the wayside.  God wants to heal your heart if you will continue to press and stay present in the moment.  There are others that are depending on you and this is a defining moment for you. Find hope and joy which is your strength in the beauty of the things that you have left and are surrounded by.  Don’t allow the bitterness of this past season to make you check out and refuse to be comforted.  Learn from Vanessa Bryant, myself and others that have experienced the same loss. Let us draw strength and remember that God is the same God yesterday, today and forever.

My notebook

I wrote this 2/14/21 on my thumb drive…and added to it.

What will you remember when you forget?  For two years from July 2005 to July 2007, I worked as a Research assistant for a longitudinal study for Alzheimer’s at Rush Hospital. I completely stepped out of my field and learned some new skills. I am a communicator by nature. I love to talk and talking was what i had to do. We were required to complete two 2 1/2-hour assessments each day. These were scripted interviews. We had to go back each year and ask the exact same questions. These were very intimate and intrusive questions.

The participants could not already have dementia or Alzheimer’s and they had to be at least 65 years of age. It always fascinated me, and the question of my heart was then and is: What will you remember, when you forget?

Your short-term memory is the first thing you will forget if you are diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, so hopefully you will have some good long-term memories that you will remember. What will your heart remember when you forget? I sat listening to a dear loved one whom was almost 81 years old as he helped me cut up my sweet potatoes a few years ago for Thanksgiving.   He repeated the same story over and repeatedly as he expressed each time with the same amount of enthusiasm, tales of his childhood and how good his mom was to him and his siblings. Each time i responded as if it was his first time sharing it; never tiring as his gratitude and honor watered the soil of my heart. I loved him dearly and he loved me and my boys.. He was my ex late husband’s step father, Charlie. He was the one that my late husband told him not to leave me while I was pregnant. He saved my life but didn’t know it.

My own hearts passions were stirred as I also shared of the things that meant so much to me; hoping that one day if the one i hold so dear ever forgets, that his heart never does. What will you remember when you forget?

One of the most memorable interviews was while I was in Minnesota assessing a Priest. He had been a social worker and a priest for 38 years. I finished my assessment and I was wrapping my laptop cord. In this great gruff voice with much command, he asked me a question. He said, dear, do you know you have a gift? I laughed with a bit of arrogance and curiosity. I asked him, what might that be. He said, you have a gift of ease. My mind was racing because I had not read that in the bible listed as a gift. I asked him to expound. He said, I have been a priest and a social worker for 38 years and in all of my years, I have never ever felt so comfortable sharing with anyone like I did with you today. I was honored. I would save that memory because what I would find out years later connected to my gift of ease would serve me well and give me a shadow of my eternal assignment in heaven.

There was one question that still swells my heart like chasing Mavericks. The one question that was etched in my mind that i would have to ask them, “were you the type of person that stood up for what you believed, regardless of the consequences?”

I, myself, truly can answer this question will a resounding, Yes! Do you stand up for what you believe? David asked the question, Is there not a cause? I was willing to give my life for my generations now and those to come.

Caleb And Joshua believed they were well able to overcome the giants in the land of Canaan, regardless of how big they were. They dared to defy the odds that were against them. God honored their faith and gave them everything he showed them they would have. It took longer for them to get it. They lost their leader and others that were supposed to go with them but they got what he promised. They remembered what he had done for them in Eygpt.

You are writing a story on your loved ones hearts and all that are watching and if their mind every forgets, what will they remember when you forget? Value every moment because your mind may forget but your heart will remember.

Slay your giants, fall in love, chase your Mavericks, don’t be afraid to try again. Stand up for the things that you believe.

Freedom

A year before my late ex-husband died, I received a very unexpected phone call while I was at work.  I was about to receive a word of freedom but didn’t know it.  Make no mistake he did not talk to me much AT ALL.  But this time he was obeying God.  See, he was a man that didn’t understand his authority or power in the earth but when he spoke for God, he moved kingdoms. He said, Marie, I am not a hundred percent if you want to be married again but he said this I am sure of.   He said, you believe your future husband will not have a right to all God is going to give you because of all you suffered with me. 

See we were not talking as friends. We were at best brother and sister in Christ.  He had brought me to his church and openly repented for the way he had treated me. His message became forgiveness.  He was carrying the weight of the cost of his bitterness and unforgiveness that had consumed his body although his spirit was being renewed. 

My immediate response was, I don’t know if that is true, but I will consider what you say and ask Jesus.  I thanked him and quickly hung up in humility with an open heart.  Ya’ll, I didn’t have any tissue in my office.  I asked Jesus immediately and the holy ghost high jacked me emotionally.  I was crying so hard; snot was dangling from my nose, and I thought my insides were going to burst.  I had to get to the bathroom.  I placed everybody under attest and forbid anyone from being able to come in that bathroom and placed the angels guard at the bathroom door. 

 I told God, I was not going to wrestle with that. I wanted to be free and didn’t believe it had to take years to get it.  I cried that thing out and that demon had to go. I didn’t want anything to come between me and my next husband. I knew I had entered generational warfare and had spoils for several generations that were promised to me in secret and confirmed publicly through prophetic ministry.   I didn’t even realize I felt that way. But God put a word of freedom in the mouth of the one that had placed me in bondage.  It makes me think about the Shunem slave girl that told Naaman to go see the Prophet Elisha. 

Can you receive a word that holds your freedom from the one that placed you in bondage? Or can you give a word to the one that is holding you in a place of bondage to release their freedom?

Let’s go see what the Shunem girl said to lead to the deliverance of her Master.

2 Kings 5

4 And the Syrians had gone out by companies and had brought away captive out of the land of Israel a little maid; and she waited on Naaman's wife.

3 And she said unto her mistress, Would God my lord was with the prophet that is in Samaria! for he would recover from his leprosy.

10 And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.

11 But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.

We must be humble enough in this season to receive our word even if it is in the word of the mouth of our oppressor.  Naaman was not going to get his healing without being able to humble himself and follow instructions even when it didn’t look like it was God. It was humiliating for Naaman to undress and dip seven times in the Jordan river, but he did it.

How will you respond to the one God sends?

God told me to write my memoir.  I released it when he said.  I tried so many times for others to launch it. But God wanted me to wait until he built the platform where it would be launched so that we would receive our inheritance together. Partners in freedom, partners in faith, partners in our dreams, partners in love, and partners in purpose. (S3, E307).

If you are willing to receive the word from those you would least expect and if you are willing to obey the instructions even though it may be completely humiliating:  God wants you to know, he will do it again like he did for Naaman.

Receive your healing and be made whole.

Life's puzzle pieces

Life can feel like a puzzle at times. At times in my life it has felt like the missing pieces to the puzzle would never be found.  I just couldn’t see how the pieces were going to fit together. 

Pieces of my childhood,

Pieces of my broken heart from adultery and divorce;

Pieces of me as a single mother without the support of their fathers;

Pieces of my heart from broken promises of “I do”;

Pieces of my inheritance being stolen;

Pieces that would seemed lost forever…but God is able to put the puzzle together and finish it, so the picture you once saw in your heart will be better than the one that you thought it would be.  The power of his spirit through the prophetic and faith will bring it to pass.

God is putting the missing puzzle pieces of our lives together as we step into our new. As we trust him with everything we love and desire. I asked the Lord to allow me to go on to the next chapter of my life.  I was about to attend a small prophetic gathering and I knew I would be receiving prophetic ministry.  I had three specific questions on my heart that I would consider in that season as missing puzzle pieces.

Just like God always sent a prophet to the Kings in the bible, the prophetic in my life has always provided me with the vision I needed to see the bigger picture.

God wants to show you the big picture, but you must be willing to obey the instructions and honor the prophetic words when they are given to you. In March 2021, the Lord spoke to me at a prophetic gathering. He spoke specifically concerning all 3 areas I asked of him with great clarity and more. Maybe you are holding onto somethings that you should let go of that is holding your release into your next chapter.  Maybe you are not willing to move and be established somewhere else. Can God share with you the next missing pieces to your puzzle without you rejecting it because it is different than what you might want?

It was a matter of weeks that God revealed a new puzzle piece in place after that word was released and something old was permanently removed.  It is nothing short of miraculous, as I watch God put the pieces in place.  He will do the same for you!

The next thing I was told was I would not always live in Illinois because my covenant roots would not be here and they would be deep this time. I wanted to know when the time came for me to marry would I live in Illinois.  God knew I was ready for the details.  And then I was told I was going to enter a new season of visitations and encounters with the Lord and God was making all things new in my life. Get ready.  He is going to do the same for you!

God's perspective: Life's playground

I wrote this poem on June 24, 2004 in the midst of a three year consecration and separation from from my late ex-husband. I was on my lunch break and went to eat alone at the park across the street from my job. I skipped lunch with my best friend that day, Sophia Williams. After lunch, I immediately wrote this poem. It’s time to come in from the playground…. God was letting me know how he sees us at times.

Jonnie and Susie are still in the air on their swings,

 Caught in between their childhood and the decisions of adult things,

 Who forgot to go get them?

Leslie and Timmy are on the seesaw,

 No one told them, if you steal that they would be breaking the law,

The law of gravity, because what goes up must come down,

Please tell them its time to leave the playground.

Samaria and Michael are playing in the sand,

Crying because the wind blew and the castle they built won’t stand,

But who forgot to tell them, you can’t build a house on the sand,

But who forgot to tell them, you need a strong foundation to understand,

That the sun doesn’t always shine and there will be rainy days,

Go tell them to come in from the playground, that childhood is only a phase.

Kimberly climbed up the slide and now is afraid to come down,

Who forgot to tell her, you don’t do drugs and get high,

Go tell her someone told her a lie,

 Because she’s afraid if she comes down, she’ll have to face the issues on the ground.

Vincent and Amber were hanging from the monkey bars and were afraid to go across,

But who forgot to tell them, if they try and fall that they can recover from the loss.

No one wanted to go first and be the boss,

Where are the leaders?

The interceders,

Please, tell them we need them to leave the playground now.

Todd found a beautiful toy in the park, jut after dark, that had been left all alone

 And Mark came by the way and claimed it as his own,

 Who forgot to tell them, they’re not children anymore----they are grown.

 And that Pamela’s not a toy, she’s real and that was not the deal,

 It was till death do them part.

 Please tell the girls to be responsible for themselves and not become toys,

 Because girls become women and men sometimes become boys,

Don’t forgot to take care of your things,

 And children, please, get off those swings,

 And the seasaw that takes you up and down,

 Please, come down from the slide, and face the issues that make you hide, stop playing on the merry go round,

 Please, please somebody tell the children to come in from the playground.

Present yourself

 I remember a day when God told Elijah that it was time to present himself to Ahab.  He was in hiding for 3 years.  God will keep you hidden for a season to protect you and even to prepare you for your season that is to come.  However, you must know when it is time to come out of that season.  Sometimes, it’s not with a grand entrance or something big that you think you have to do, sometimes to just presenting yourself is a big deal.  There are times we try to figure everything out.  Let’s see how God sets the stage for Elijah’s appearance and without it, the rain would not have come.

1 Kings 18:1 And it came to pass after many days that the word of the Lord came to Elijah, in the third year, saying, “Go, present yourself to Ahab, and I will send rain on the earth.”

God was ready to move.  What is God ready to do in your life and situation that is requiring for you to present yourself like Elijah?  What and who is depending on you to present yourself and without it so many things will not happen.  The entire nation was suffering and in a famine because Elijah the prophet shut up the heavens for three complete years to get the attention of King Ahab.  Your influence can make or break a nation, a community, a family.  God is requiring that you present yourself.

The word says, in Romans 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.  You may be saying to yourself, I don’t know what to do or where to even start to get back in my position.  This is where you start and God will begin to move as you get into position. 

What did Elijah do in preparation for the rain?  He grided his loins.  That may mean coming out of sexual sin to abstain from sex. He had King Ahab gather the prophets.  He was setting the stage to allow God to demonstrate his power.  You will be doing the same thing like Elijah.  It doesn’t matter if no one responds back or it appears as nothing is working. God is going to release his supernatural provision as you sacrifice and pour out what you need the most in this season.  Elijah needed water but he sacrificed the water and poured it out on the alter and God consumed it.  What are you willing to give that in the eyes of others would seem like a waste but God will accept it as a sacrifice and give you more. 

You must know when it is time for you to start running.  And why was it important for Elijah to outrun the Chariots of Ahab.  And how was Elijah able to outrun his horses in the natural?

Present yourself back to God.  How does this look in everyday life?  Get up and get dressed each day.  Get up and go to work on time each day.  Come home after work and be emotionally present for your wife and kids. Finish your assignments on time and go to school.  He will send the rain that you need for everything else in your life to begin to grow and flourish again but God is requiring that you—-

Present yourself.

It wasn't a Threesome

It was intimate and it was done in the secret place. It was no longer about the three of us. It wasn't about if he said yes or not. He required me to be face down and on my knees.  I was finally positioned. It was just between God and me. It wasn’t a threesome, although God wanted us to do it together. He wanted a yes. I had finally come into a place of complete surrender. I was ready to conceive the dream of God.

God has prophetic dreams for you and your generations. He had chosen to impregnate mine in the lining of my marriage. It was fertile ground. It was the place where he would do his greatest work. He had already planted the seeds- "you are a key factor in breaking this spirit of death and this false religion and when you get this place in me you will be a major voice, whole families will come out of your loins, it is not an accident the family you were born into and you are going to bring them life because I am life".

It was time to push. He allowed only enough pressure that I wouldn't die, although at times, I felt like I would.

God is not trying to kill you but he is trying to get you out the way. He is trying to create an image on the inside of you of him. He is trying to get you to respond the way he would respond. I could no longer say what I wanted to say and do what I wanted to do. I was carrying something big. I was giving birth to the dream of God.  I was giving birth to the word like Mary. The word was becoming flesh is my life. 

The scriptures say in Psalms 126 When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream.

My marriage was completely falling apart and yet God was requiring me to honor him and stay postured before him in intercession regardless of what I could see naturally.  It was the most difficult time of my life. I was watching what I wanted the most die and yet God was causing me to dream for better in this place of captivity for my family and my generations to come.   

I was pushing pass pain, rejection, pushing pass sorrow, fear, abuse, and pass destruction.  I wanted everything God had for me and my generations. Watching the enemy destroy marriages, steal souls through deception and destroy the wealth that God had given my family, broke my heart and brought me to my knees.

You may not know what it will look like nor all that you are giving birth too. You might be carrying your children, a marriage, your generations, and a nation. Sometimes you may feel it is not moving or that it is dead.  God is doing a work in you that though it be told you would not believe. Seek him for wisdom and a greater understanding. God wants to draw you closer so you can come into a greater level of intimacy with him.  It is in this place where you will conceive and give birth to his prophetic dreams. Ask him today what is his desire for you and your generations? Allow him to turn your captivity so you can be one that dreams again!!!

Proverbs 24:3

3 Through wisdom is a house built; and by understanding it is established:

Psalm 126

126 When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream.

2 Chronicles 20:20

20 And they rose early in the morning, and went forth into the wilderness of Tekoa: and as they went forth, Jehoshaphat stood and said, Hear me, O Judah, and ye inhabitants of Jerusalem; Believe in the Lord your God, so shall ye be established; believe his prophets, so shall ye prosper.

The giant drop

Facing your fears in life can be one of the hardest things you have to overcome.  There we were standing by this large crowd of people.  Excitement was everywhere in the air, children were laughing and people were hurrying to get a place in the line.  My sixteen year son, Jeremy, at that time, turned to me, placed his hands on both my shoulders and said, “I’ll be back. I’m going to face my fears!” He went to get on the giant drop.  For me that was a defining moment as his mother. I could see him way down the road in life.  I was grateful because I had overcome mine and I believed because I had faced mine, he would also be able to face his. No matter what life might bring his way. 

I was depending on you.  It was at a time when it was one the most vulnerable times of my life.  God had just opened my heart and began to do open heart surgery on me from my childhood. I needed you to carry me to the Father.  My mother wasn’t there like yours was.  I already had one and I was carrying another and you started pulling away. It felt like the I was suspended in the air. I was about to be dropped at any moment.

Perhaps you were suddenly dropped by your spouse, dropped by your parents at birth and placed for adoption; dropped by your job of twenty years; just dropped. I was terrified because I didn’t know how I was going to land. I didn’t want my babies to be hurt too.  Wait.

Wait, until I can get myself together so that we both won’t fall.  I had set my hopes so HIGH and I was looking down and could see that this would be a matter of life or death.

 I was looking for someone, anyone that might understand. I remembered Mephibosheth.     2 Sam 4:4 and Jonathan, Saul's son, had a son that was lame of his feet. He was five years old when the tidings came of Saul and Jonathan out of Jezreel, and his nurse took him up, and fled: and it came to pass, as she made haste to flee, that he fell, and became lame. And his name was Mephibosheth.

Perhaps while trying to avoid trouble in your life, you ended up getting more damaged in the process.  Maybe you were falsely accused of some things, lied on and it left you financially crippled. Maybe when you rose up to go in the right direction things seemed to get worse.  No matter what has left you crippled and lamed in your life mentally, spiritually, financially or even physically; there is hope that God has not forgotten you.  He knows exactly where you are in life.

Let’s ring Mephibospheth’s doorbell 2 Sam 4:9.

9 And David said, Is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may show him kindness for Jonathan's sake? 6 Now when Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, was come unto David, he fell on his face, and did reverence. And David said, Mephibosheth. And he answered, Behold thy servant!

7 And David said unto him, Fear not: for I will surely show thee kindness for Jonathan thy father's sake, and will restore thee all the land of Saul thy father; and thou shalt eat bread at my table continually.

No matter where you are right now in your life, God is going to bring you safely to your expected end.  He is going to cause you to run and not be weary and walk and not faint. He has not forgotten you.  He knows where you live and he knows how to restore to you generational blessings just like he did for Mephibosheth. Get ready Mephibosheth, David is on the way!

Step up to the plate!

Because you decided to step up to the plate were the words that fell on me like dew from the mouth of C. Peters Wagner’s head intercessor in 2000. This was not just a prophetic word it was an encounter with God.  We were at a deliverance conference and we were on break.  The hospitality suite was packed. I was in a corner with my back turned and talking. I felt a tap on my shoulder and a holy hush came over our table, only. He said, I was in prayer downstairs and the Lord told me to come up here and to minister to someone. He said I had no idea who it was. Talking about being on the radar of heaven!!!

 He knows exactly where you are!!!

 He went on to tell me that he had to pray for me. He told me that God said many of his people do not experience worship with him on the level that I do.  He said God was going to give me a platform and a voice to be heard because I decided to step up to the plate and he was going to put me back where I should have been.  He went on to share much more but my point is this: God promised to give me a platform and a voice to be heard.

I want to encourage you today, if the enemy is trying to make you believe that God has forgotten you; it is not true.  The word says, in Isaiah 49:13 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.  He could never forget us. Sometimes we think we are waiting on him but the Father wants us to know that he is waiting for us—to step up to the plate.

Stepping up to plate means you are ready to take on a challenge or a responsibility. Our assignments come with great responsibility.  He is preparing us to run our own race.  Maybe you are saying these things to yourself.  I feel like I don’t know anyone.  I was not born into a wealthy family.  I don’t have a college education.  The bible calls the apostles were unlearned men. They turned the world upside down with the power of God.  Get in the secret place and humble yourself.

Step up to the plate like Moses did to Pharaoh and let God go before you.

Step up to the plate like David did with Goliath.

Step up to the plate like Deborah did.

Step up to the plate like Esther did.

 You are NOT waiting on God.  He is waiting on you.  God has been waiting for all eternity for this moment.  It is time for you to step up to the plate.  His grace will bring you in safely.

 Batters up! Heaven is calling your name…….